Cravings Move On OUT!

Hey Guys,

I’m so glad there are a few of you out there that believe in me, and are going through what I am. Thanks for reaching out and letting me know that I’m not alone. Also I thank those that care about me and don’t quite agree. You all still deserve a hug because you guys have been around these boards reading me rant for ages. And I know sometimes I make people want to punch the screen But these are my true feelings, raw. I don’t sensor anything for anyone.

Last night I cracked open a few books, made some oatmeal, and started reading. Ezra wouldn’t be home for another 40 minutes and I knew that. Normally I’d rush to the kitchen, make a drink, pour a bowl of dry cereal, and sit down at the TV until I just didn’t exist anymore. But yesterday I thought to myself “if someone sat a drink right there… would I even want it?”…. and I wouldn’t… and it was the weirdest feeling just being content, reading on the couch, with me and my oatmeal.

As you all read I was going to make my green bean spaghetti. But I got home and really didn’t feel like it. PJs and relaxing sounded so much better. Plus my books were waiting for me!

I’m reading the book Understanding the Alcoholic’s Mind: The Nature of Craving and How to Control It. Very interesting book as it talks more about the WHY people drink opposed to the drunk ruining their lives. Lots of things that trigger the want to drink. There’s a scenario for everyone, so I don’t coin the book as a “Learning about Alcoholics” book, but more learning about alcohol. It’s only 200 pages, so I should be able to read through that one before the weekend is over. I also cracked open When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content <– the one that hit the nail on the head when I read the description on Amazon. I'm only 15 pages in but it's still hitting that nail on the head I'm afraid of happiness because happiness = disappointment eventually. And I'd rather be content being nobody than being happy and feeling disappointment. Being successful is scary when you have doubts for failing. When you fail, people notice. Anywho, great read. And I think ANYONE that is overweight could learn from it.

I want to tell you all I REALLY think this Kudzu supplement is helping with my "meh I don't really want alcohol" craving, and the L-Glutamine is making me not only sleep better, but have more energy during the day. Plus the vitamin B (which yes, is making my pee neon.. I almost want to invest in a black light. haha TMI). I like this path that I'm on. And I'm on a "who knows when I'll want a drink, or who knows what will happened when I'm faced with it"… But it won't be for a long while, if ever, the way I'm feeling these days.

*sigh*

medicinalmary I don't know if you'd tried the Kudzu and L-Glutamine with Vitamin B before, but so far I swear by it. Not cheap, but neither is wasting away my life and bottles of bacardi.

Off to make my oatmeal!

Love you all

My Journey of Self Discovery Feels Good!

Is it so bad that I’m on a journey of self discovery instead of a life of restricting myself from “things” that I abuse? I’m tired of restricting. I’m tired of spending all my energy on making life about things I can’t have instead of focusing on healing who I am. I guess I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, but at least my closest friends and Ezra understand what I’m doing with my life right now. And everyone feels its the best thing.

For the first time in the longest I feel like I have a way. Like, I’m not obsessing about something, and I’m not hopping on the scale and crying about it. And I’m not getting upset if I have that extra snack at night. I’m just trying to live a content and happy life, and even though it just started a few days ago, I’m feeling a LOT better about myself.

I hate this debate about alcohol this and alcohol that. Why does that have to be such the finger pointer thing here? I haven’t drank in 3 days, and I’m taking life slower. I’m not rushing in the morning anymore, because why bother? And I’m not speeding in my car anymore, because life is too short for that. I just want to find peace. I don’t HAVE to believe in God to conform to anyone. And I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.

Honestly if you support me, then support me. If you don’t. Then just delete me, won’tcha? Because I don’t need negativity in my life when I’m trying to be so positive.

My books come today which I’m totally excited about! I know they’ll be left at the front desk at my apartment complex and that’s fine, because there’s no gym today so I get home in time to pick them up. WOO HOO. Then Ezra and I are making Green Bean Spaghetti (green beans in place of noodles, yum), and we’re just going to relax and take the night as it comes.

I haven’t been tempted to drink these last few days. Yesterday I had this sorta twinge after the gym, because I’ve been having a drink with dinner after the gym these past few months (counter productive, I know…). But that’s just because it’s a routine, and even though routines are hard to break.. the feeling of “no silly, you don’t want to do that” was all it took and I was totally fine.

Not sure if its the L-Glutamine that I’m on, but I’ve been sleeping better, and focusing better. It’s only been a few days, but I’m a believer. Then again, I’ll give it a few months.

I’m not trying to give up food or alcohol for that matter. They will find places in my life. But at this time in my life I need to face reality and go through a phase of self discovery without substances altering my thoughts.

Sorry if anyone takes offense. It’s easy to take offense if you don’t believe in what someone is doing. Then again, I apologize but I’m not changing my ways for anyone. I know what I’m doing is right, and what I’m doing is for me.

Lost the Weight, Now I Must Discover Myself

When it comes to self discovery and a journey, it comes with time, patience, and slowing down a little bit in life. I’m not the type to cling on to a solution and follow it by the books. If I do that, I burn out in less than a few days. Change is scary, for anyone…

I’ve fought battles my entire life. I don’t think I’d know what role to play if I wasn’t trying to save someone or fight to get more. Truth be told, I’m one timid person, afraid of failing, afraid of falling. I’m shy at heart, but I try to “man up” and stand tall because I’m supposed to. It’s exhausting. But with practice, you’ll just become who you’re trying to be, right?

I bought 2 supplements yesterday at the health store. L-Glutamine which is supposed to rock for everything possible. And Kudzu Root, which is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. Not remove them, not solve them, but just curb them a bit. Every little bit helps, right? I’m also taking a vitamin B complex to help the kudzu stabilize in my system property. It’s been a TON of reading on forms to figure out what’s going to even me out. I don’t want doctor prescribed pills, I want natural.. the way nature made it.

My books will be here tomorrow. I’m so freakn excited, I wish I could section out a day and just read and read. I have 3 of them coming, but I get ADD on books and I’ll skim back and forth.

I want you all to know this is NOT AN ALCOHOL problem. It never has been. It’s a problem with me, and my emotions, and what I use to void out those emotions. It’s the same reason I became 300 pounds in the first place. It’s the same reason I use alcohol to become MIA for a while… and I just hate that most of you don’t and never will understand, and want to point a finger at 1 area and say “AH HA! I told you! You have a problem with alcohol!” Not quite sista. But whatever helps you sleep at night.

I’m a complex human being. Daily lives, stresses, relationships, family problems, money problems, problems with lack of interest, problems being sad for no reason, problems not understanding myself, problems trying to understand other people. I can go on for days and days. The 1 substance that I use to void out those problems doesn’t make the substance the problem. They don’t help the problems in my life by any means… but it’s not the rooted issues.

So I dunno, I’ll take this as it comes and try to heal as time passes. I thank those that support me, and those that don’t can really eff off. <– sorry, but I don't need preachers, I need ears, hugs, and friends.

Don’t Look Down. Ew. I Grew That Gut?

Lately I haven’t been so great. Let’s admit it; my gut is getting pretty grossly uncomfortable to look at. I achieved so much before, but once you fall off the wagon, it’s hard to get back on… I need to Velcro my wagons seat!

My friend Jayme tells me that she’s impressed that I lost 175 pounds to begin with.. and can’t imagine how someone can buckle down that hard and get the weight off in one fell swoop. But looking back, I don’t know how I did it either. Dieting was my LIFE. Dieting was almost a religion. I played by the books. I logged every calorie, I weighed out 2 ounces of turkey meat for my sandwiches, I was all about ME ME ME. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, dieting is one of the most selfish things you will ever do in your life. You can’t let people talk you down, or make you feel bad for not eating someones birthday cake, I swear… and people will make you feel so awkward about it that its ridiculous.

When I lost the bulk of my 175 pounds, I was living in a home where I would isolate myself from the world. I would wake up at 4:30am so that I could take the bus at 5:30am (a 2 hour commute), then I’d have my breakfast there, lunch there, ride the bus back at 5:00pm and not get home around 7:30pm. Get in the door, slap some sort of dinner together, and go to BED. Then I’d start the process all over again. I was in a relationship at the time, but he lived in Arizona and I was in California. Not too much time consumed with that one. I didn’t have any friends.. and my mom was with a guy I didn’t want to be near… so I’d lock myself away and just write poetry or sleep. Sleep was a big deal with the schedule that I had.

So fast forward my life, 175 pounds later and all of a sudden my health goes down the crap shoot. I should be happier, right? I was for a minute there… I stopped isolating myself so much and grew as a person 10 fold. I moved out of California to Arizona (yes, to be with the long distance relationship guy.. but that didn’t work out). I started taking up hobbies, like baking, and cake decorating. I surrounded myself with people that shared my interests. I started looking for friends, and I found Jayme. I allowed myself to be loved and now have a fiancé named Ezra. I started opening up to my mom more about my mental well being and started mending our relationship… and I don’t know where along the lines things went wrong, but I started seeking comfort in alcohol so I could just go away.

Happiness is scary. Having relationships is scary. Especially when you don’t quite know who you are. I grew up in chaos where day in and day out I was concerned about what was going on AROUND me, not WITH me. I never learned what makes me “tick” so to speak… I went through a 4 year period where I felt like a walking and talking zombie. People would interact with me, I’d interact back, but I wasn’t “there”.

So I’m looking into ways to help ME this time. And it might take being selfish again… I don’t want to isolate myself, but I need a minute.. Just some weekends to sleep in, or lay on the floor and read a book, an empty schedule instead of the GO GO GO runaround life I’ve put myself in lately. I have a lot on my plate.

I work from 8-5 Monday through Friday. I go to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday after work (where I get home around 730pm), Saturday and Sunday I do the gym thing again. Most Saturdays are consumed with being around my “Little Sister” (I’m a Big Sister with the Big Brother Big Sister organization in Central Phoenix). I just feel like my life is shot sometimes. And when I’m not GOING and GOING, I sit there not knowing what to do with myself.

I bought a few books on Amazon this past week and I cannot wait to get them. One is called When Misery is Company. It fits me perfectly after reading the description. I need to learn how to be content with life, and techniques on how to overcome just being so dang strung out and sad all the time. I think part of the reason I’m turning to alcohol is for its “security blanket” purpose. Plus it’s making me chunky which sends me in the background as a void.. which I’m more comfortable being than so exposed. I also bought a book on how to stop relying on alcohol. A lot of the book is on how to curb cravings and techniques on what to do when you crave wanting to drink. I’m really excited to see how that comes out. I’ve also been doing online research about curbing cravings for alcohol, and found 4 herbal supplements that I’m going to pick up at the vitamin shoppe today. I just can’t want to be alive, and to want to be around ME. I feel like I’m on the right path. I’m still scared shitless of this whole process.

Economy and Tummy Tucks Don’t go Hand in Hand.

How bad does the economy suck right now? I want to get my surgery so so so bad, and I have just about $5,500 dollar saved up (enough for a tummy tuck!), but I can’t take time off of work. Not with the way layoffs have been around here. But I’m so tired of carrying around this heavy gut.

Sometimes you just want to give up. Gawd I know I do. The only way  I can maintain my 175 pound weight loss (it’s still SO weird to look back and know I was 175 pounds heavier!) I have to keep counting calories and keeping a close watch on my daily diet. The week days are flawless. I can handle the week days. It’s the weekend’s where I want to enjoy food. Is that so bad? To be human and want to enjoy food? But when I am set free to eat whatever I want, I take it so far as to where I need to work out 5 days a week just to get the bloat off.

This weekend it was criss cut fries with ranch dressing from Carles Jr. Oh how I’ve missed thee. I also enjoyed 3 home made brownies, a nice amount of applesauce raisin cookies, and ice cream, cereal, you name it… I ate it. With all the stress I’ve had I can’t help it. I just want to EAT (and drink)  until I’m about to pop. Then I want to lay down and cry until tomorrow.

I just don’t wanna care right now. And it makes me think about this damn tummy tuck so much. Every pound I gain goes RIGHT there. Staring at me. Making my belly button look like a fat frown. Making my gut feel heavy to carry around. Then I get down and out of it. But I know the bloat will go, and by this coming Friday I’ll be ready to do it again.

The cycle just continues from here huh?

So now cheers to a fresh Monday morning, oatmeal for breakfast, apple and chicken breast sandwich for lunch, gym at 2 for a great cardio workout, have me a snack, and tacos for dinner.

I lost weight through the holidays and… vegas vacation?

This past month has been a trying one when it comes to staying on track with my weight loss. If you’ve been keeping up with my journal, I hit my goal weight of 140 pounds a few months back. 294 pounds to 140 = 154 pounds lost.

On to maintaining my weight…

They say that maintaining is just as hard as losing weight. As much as this is true, there is a mental mindset that changes when you maintain vs lose. When you lose weight, you step on the scale and have to find that lower number. If it’s not there, you get all worked up and begin analyzing your weeks food and exercise. Sometimes even becoming upset at yourself for not making your goals. Maintaining is different, at least for me. There is no line drawn number that you have when you maintain your weight. It’s better to set a scale. My goal was 140 pounds, and I’ve made a promise to myself that i’ll stay between 138-143 pounds. A 5 pound flux that I feel I should be able to stick within.

Funny thing is, when I hit my maintenance level, I continued to lose.

I survived Thanksgiving with a loss of 2 pounds. I visited my mom and 2 brothers in California for the special day. The temptations were there, but I stood my ground. I ate a few things I totally had to have such as dinner rolls (I’m totally a sucker for those heat and serve dinner rolls) but I passed up the pies. I felt proud of myself and figured my weight loss was because I stayed on track or under track.

This past week I was in Vegas for a convention. I stayed a WEEK in Vegas mind you. I was un-able to access my calorie logging tools, I was un-aware of the number of calories in my food, and I had no idea my running total at the end of the day. Talk about a head trip. When you are so used to logging every ounce of chicken, every 1/2 cup of milk, and even how many grams of broccoli you had for dinner, not doing so is difficult. It was quite a nerving week not knowing what I was putting in my body. I have been living this lifestyle for over 16 months and each one of those days I knew my calorie in calorie out numbers.

Buffets, steak dinners, and cheesecake. I had it all. I made myself hold true to my portions and ways for the first 5 days I was in Vegas, but the last day I eased up on my limits. That’s the day I endulged in the complimentary cheesecake that was served after I had my pre dinner bread, steak fillet and oil/garlic satayed asparagus. It was very satisfying even though it upset my stomach later.

Even though my pants didn’t feel tighter, I was hesitant about my weight. I kept telling myself “Okay, if I didn’t gain more than 5 pounds, when I get home I can get right back on track” When I got home and I stepped on the scale and it read 132.2 pounds. I had a moment where I signed with relief and another where I was vaguely concerned. Why when I eat more, I keep losing? Metabolism speeds up? The body is confused and is not processing and holding onto fat in the same way anymore? This will require research. Maybe because I wasn’t aware of what I was eating, I felt like I was eating more when in reality I wasn’t? I’m just glad I enjoyed the cheesecake.

This past week I’ve been trying to bring my weight up slightly. I had french fries from one of my favorite pizza joints, and a sandwich with provolone cheese (something I would have never previously done). Another night I enjoyed chinese food with white rice. Mexican on another occasion. But I’m eating like a normal person: Selections that won’t kill me, at portions my budget can afford. A treat like Ice Cream is okay every once in a while, but sitting down and eating a half gallon is not wise. I can live and maintain my weight, have occasional treats, and enjoy life.

My Thanksgiving and Vegas trip were a great experience because they taught me a lot about how to live this lifestyle. Such a new concept. Very heart warming knowing I can do this.

Before and After: In my old pants dieting photos

Got through the rough Thanksgiving weekend, and all that’s left to conquer is Christmas and New Years. This is going to be cake. No pun intended.

Thanksgiving was a blast. I saw my dad whom I haven’t seen in over 2 years. He has a mental condition and isn’t “all there” but it was a joy to have seen him. I made a trip back to CA to be with everyone. My mom, little brother, and older brother. My dad came later just for Thanksgiving night. We sat around and talked, played some Wii sports games (awesome awesome!) and ate the turkey. Turkey was good.. and I even had some a few times in left over turkey sandwich form.

Wandering around the house I found a few old shirts of mine. It’s so weird seeing my old clothes. I hold them up and it’s like ‘how in the world..’ Then I stumbled across a pair of some old size 24W jeans I used to wear. I bought these from the Avenue at my top weight. These were some comfy pants! I slipped them on and my mom immediately grabbed the camera. We had some fun. Here are my thanksgiving day photos.

Lookin like a clown. These things were flooding me.

Me in 1 of my old pant legs. See my feet? Ha I feel funny even showing these off, like I’m in some dieting commercial or something.

This is me and the rest of my family. My mom isn’t in this photo. I’ll have to upload one of her in there later. Prior to this trip I was considering losing 5 or so more pounds, but now that I have seen everyone and have heard comments not to lose any more weight, I decided that’s probably a good idea.

So now it’s time to maintain! Here we go with dieting maintenance. Even though this was something I knew I should have started a few weeks ago, it took a good 15 people that were close to me in the past to tell me that I had lost enough for me to believe it.

Total Lost: 156 pounds

Current weight: 138 pounds

Height: 5′5″

Happy Holidays!