Hey Guys,
I’m so glad there are a few of you out there that believe in me, and are going through what I am. Thanks for reaching out and letting me know that I’m not alone. Also I thank those that care about me and don’t quite agree. You all still deserve a hug because you guys have been around these boards reading me rant for ages. And I know sometimes I make people want to punch the screen 
But these are my true feelings, raw. I don’t sensor anything for anyone.
Last night I cracked open a few books, made some oatmeal, and started reading. Ezra wouldn’t be home for another 40 minutes and I knew that. Normally I’d rush to the kitchen, make a drink, pour a bowl of dry cereal, and sit down at the TV until I just didn’t exist anymore. But yesterday I thought to myself “if someone sat a drink right there… would I even want it?”…. and I wouldn’t… and it was the weirdest feeling just being content, reading on the couch, with me and my oatmeal.
As you all read I was going to make my green bean spaghetti. But I got home and really didn’t feel like it. PJs and relaxing sounded so much better. Plus my books were waiting for me!
I’m reading the book Understanding the Alcoholic’s Mind: The Nature of Craving and How to Control It. Very interesting book as it talks more about the WHY people drink opposed to the drunk ruining their lives. Lots of things that trigger the want to drink. There’s a scenario for everyone, so I don’t coin the book as a “Learning about Alcoholics” book, but more learning about alcohol. It’s only 200 pages, so I should be able to read through that one before the weekend is over. I also cracked open When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content <– the one that hit the nail on the head when I read the description on Amazon. I'm only 15 pages in but it's still hitting that nail on the head I'm afraid of happiness because happiness = disappointment eventually. And I'd rather be content being nobody than being happy and feeling disappointment. Being successful is scary when you have doubts for failing. When you fail, people notice. Anywho, great read. And I think ANYONE that is overweight could learn from it.
I want to tell you all I REALLY think this Kudzu supplement is helping with my "meh I don't really want alcohol" craving, and the L-Glutamine is making me not only sleep better, but have more energy during the day. Plus the vitamin B (which yes, is making my pee neon.. I almost want to invest in a black light. haha TMI). I like this path that I'm on. And I'm on a "who knows when I'll want a drink, or who knows what will happened when I'm faced with it"… But it won't be for a long while, if ever, the way I'm feeling these days.
*sigh*
medicinalmary I don't know if you'd tried the Kudzu and L-Glutamine with Vitamin B before, but so far I swear by it. Not cheap, but neither is wasting away my life and bottles of bacardi.
Off to make my oatmeal!
Love you all
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