Lately I haven’t been so great. Let’s admit it; my gut is getting pretty grossly uncomfortable to look at. I achieved so much before, but once you fall off the wagon, it’s hard to get back on… I need to Velcro my wagons seat!
My friend Jayme tells me that she’s impressed that I lost 175 pounds to begin with.. and can’t imagine how someone can buckle down that hard and get the weight off in one fell swoop. But looking back, I don’t know how I did it either. Dieting was my LIFE. Dieting was almost a religion. I played by the books. I logged every calorie, I weighed out 2 ounces of turkey meat for my sandwiches, I was all about ME ME ME. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, dieting is one of the most selfish things you will ever do in your life. You can’t let people talk you down, or make you feel bad for not eating someones birthday cake, I swear… and people will make you feel so awkward about it that its ridiculous.
When I lost the bulk of my 175 pounds, I was living in a home where I would isolate myself from the world. I would wake up at 4:30am so that I could take the bus at 5:30am (a 2 hour commute), then I’d have my breakfast there, lunch there, ride the bus back at 5:00pm and not get home around 7:30pm. Get in the door, slap some sort of dinner together, and go to BED. Then I’d start the process all over again. I was in a relationship at the time, but he lived in Arizona and I was in California. Not too much time consumed with that one. I didn’t have any friends.. and my mom was with a guy I didn’t want to be near… so I’d lock myself away and just write poetry or sleep. Sleep was a big deal with the schedule that I had.
So fast forward my life, 175 pounds later and all of a sudden my health goes down the crap shoot. I should be happier, right? I was for a minute there… I stopped isolating myself so much and grew as a person 10 fold. I moved out of California to Arizona (yes, to be with the long distance relationship guy.. but that didn’t work out). I started taking up hobbies, like baking, and cake decorating. I surrounded myself with people that shared my interests. I started looking for friends, and I found Jayme. I allowed myself to be loved and now have a fiancé named Ezra. I started opening up to my mom more about my mental well being and started mending our relationship… and I don’t know where along the lines things went wrong, but I started seeking comfort in alcohol so I could just go away.
Happiness is scary. Having relationships is scary. Especially when you don’t quite know who you are. I grew up in chaos where day in and day out I was concerned about what was going on AROUND me, not WITH me. I never learned what makes me “tick” so to speak… I went through a 4 year period where I felt like a walking and talking zombie. People would interact with me, I’d interact back, but I wasn’t “there”.
So I’m looking into ways to help ME this time. And it might take being selfish again… I don’t want to isolate myself, but I need a minute.. Just some weekends to sleep in, or lay on the floor and read a book, an empty schedule instead of the GO GO GO runaround life I’ve put myself in lately. I have a lot on my plate.
I work from 8-5 Monday through Friday. I go to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday after work (where I get home around 730pm), Saturday and Sunday I do the gym thing again. Most Saturdays are consumed with being around my “Little Sister” (I’m a Big Sister with the Big Brother Big Sister organization in Central Phoenix). I just feel like my life is shot sometimes. And when I’m not GOING and GOING, I sit there not knowing what to do with myself.
I bought a few books on Amazon this past week and I cannot wait to get them. One is called When Misery is Company. It fits me perfectly after reading the description. I need to learn how to be content with life, and techniques on how to overcome just being so dang strung out and sad all the time. I think part of the reason I’m turning to alcohol is for its “security blanket” purpose. Plus it’s making me chunky which sends me in the background as a void.. which I’m more comfortable being than so exposed. I also bought a book on how to stop relying on alcohol. A lot of the book is on how to curb cravings and techniques on what to do when you crave wanting to drink. I’m really excited to see how that comes out. I’ve also been doing online research about curbing cravings for alcohol, and found 4 herbal supplements that I’m going to pick up at the vitamin shoppe today. I just can’t want to be alive, and to want to be around ME. I feel like I’m on the right path. I’m still scared shitless of this whole process.
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