3 Months NO Booze Pact With the Fiance. Back in the Weight Loss Game

My self help books so far are really good and interesting, but I haven’t invested as much time as I should into them. I’m glued to an ‘actual reading’ book that Jayme passed on to me called “A Piece of Cake” by Cupcake Brown. It’s a memoir and it’s good, so I get lost in there for a few hours a night instead. So sue me! Pleasure is important too in the whole mental healing process.

The weekend was hard and I can’t say I succeeded at it. Stressful! But yes, I drank on Saturday night. Not balls to the walls, but I was pent up. But it’s a journey and I’m learning so much about why I do things.

1. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone in my life. I feel like “because I can’t drink, Ezra can’t drink”. And it makes me feel like I’m ruining the ‘fun’. I feel like I emotionally drain Jayme with all my bickering about how I suck at life. She’s my bestie and puts me in my place though. She’s an awesome advice giver.

2. I feel fat and disgusting. My love life is in the pits. But I’m focusing on another type of journey. I need to find happiness (not in the form of food) but I DO want to bring my hobby “baking” back into the picture.

3. I get stressed and want an “out”. This weekend it was with my little sister. I did SO well on Friday night but on Saturday my little sister stressed me out, and then had an “accident” in my car which I had to clean up. She didn’t tell me about this accident. It was a self discovered puddle on my seat. Poor thing. It’s not her fault she has spina bifida and her parts don’t function all too great. But I had to clean it up, and it’s condensed urine. I gagged

4. I don’t have enough “happy” things in my life to keep me occupied. I’m thinking about taking up pottery? I’m artsy but I suck at art. Writing makes me depressed, poetry makes me depressed, cooking makes me fat, cake decorating makes me fat and i’m not that great at it. I miss working at my old job where I’d bake for all the guys in the office. Working with 12 girls, you don’t bring in baked goods on a weekly basis (even though I did yesterday, it made me happy Monday to bake instead of drink when I was bored).

5. I have a burning desire to be BAD on the weekends. It’s been such habit, that even if I don’t want to drink or eat, I NEED to do something to cut loose. Not sure how to handle that one… brownies?

Anywho…

I made a pact with Ezra that we’re not drinking for 3 months. I’m pretty much not planning on drinking ever again. It’s not good for my mental health, but I need at least a 3 month jump start where I don’t feel guilty that he can’t drink. Because he’s in it WITH me.

So these months are dedicated to finding ‘happy’ things in my life. Maybe jewelry making is where it’s at. That’s a fun hobby (??) I used to love beading as a kid with my mom. Ah why are all the good hobbies so expensive?!

Oh PS: I want to start planning my wedding

Cheers.

Cravings Move On OUT!

Hey Guys,

I’m so glad there are a few of you out there that believe in me, and are going through what I am. Thanks for reaching out and letting me know that I’m not alone. Also I thank those that care about me and don’t quite agree. You all still deserve a hug because you guys have been around these boards reading me rant for ages. And I know sometimes I make people want to punch the screen But these are my true feelings, raw. I don’t sensor anything for anyone.

Last night I cracked open a few books, made some oatmeal, and started reading. Ezra wouldn’t be home for another 40 minutes and I knew that. Normally I’d rush to the kitchen, make a drink, pour a bowl of dry cereal, and sit down at the TV until I just didn’t exist anymore. But yesterday I thought to myself “if someone sat a drink right there… would I even want it?”…. and I wouldn’t… and it was the weirdest feeling just being content, reading on the couch, with me and my oatmeal.

As you all read I was going to make my green bean spaghetti. But I got home and really didn’t feel like it. PJs and relaxing sounded so much better. Plus my books were waiting for me!

I’m reading the book Understanding the Alcoholic’s Mind: The Nature of Craving and How to Control It. Very interesting book as it talks more about the WHY people drink opposed to the drunk ruining their lives. Lots of things that trigger the want to drink. There’s a scenario for everyone, so I don’t coin the book as a “Learning about Alcoholics” book, but more learning about alcohol. It’s only 200 pages, so I should be able to read through that one before the weekend is over. I also cracked open When Misery is Company: End Self-Sabotage and Become Content <– the one that hit the nail on the head when I read the description on Amazon. I'm only 15 pages in but it's still hitting that nail on the head I'm afraid of happiness because happiness = disappointment eventually. And I'd rather be content being nobody than being happy and feeling disappointment. Being successful is scary when you have doubts for failing. When you fail, people notice. Anywho, great read. And I think ANYONE that is overweight could learn from it.

I want to tell you all I REALLY think this Kudzu supplement is helping with my "meh I don't really want alcohol" craving, and the L-Glutamine is making me not only sleep better, but have more energy during the day. Plus the vitamin B (which yes, is making my pee neon.. I almost want to invest in a black light. haha TMI). I like this path that I'm on. And I'm on a "who knows when I'll want a drink, or who knows what will happened when I'm faced with it"… But it won't be for a long while, if ever, the way I'm feeling these days.

*sigh*

medicinalmary I don't know if you'd tried the Kudzu and L-Glutamine with Vitamin B before, but so far I swear by it. Not cheap, but neither is wasting away my life and bottles of bacardi.

Off to make my oatmeal!

Love you all

My Journey of Self Discovery Feels Good!

Is it so bad that I’m on a journey of self discovery instead of a life of restricting myself from “things” that I abuse? I’m tired of restricting. I’m tired of spending all my energy on making life about things I can’t have instead of focusing on healing who I am. I guess I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, but at least my closest friends and Ezra understand what I’m doing with my life right now. And everyone feels its the best thing.

For the first time in the longest I feel like I have a way. Like, I’m not obsessing about something, and I’m not hopping on the scale and crying about it. And I’m not getting upset if I have that extra snack at night. I’m just trying to live a content and happy life, and even though it just started a few days ago, I’m feeling a LOT better about myself.

I hate this debate about alcohol this and alcohol that. Why does that have to be such the finger pointer thing here? I haven’t drank in 3 days, and I’m taking life slower. I’m not rushing in the morning anymore, because why bother? And I’m not speeding in my car anymore, because life is too short for that. I just want to find peace. I don’t HAVE to believe in God to conform to anyone. And I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.

Honestly if you support me, then support me. If you don’t. Then just delete me, won’tcha? Because I don’t need negativity in my life when I’m trying to be so positive.

My books come today which I’m totally excited about! I know they’ll be left at the front desk at my apartment complex and that’s fine, because there’s no gym today so I get home in time to pick them up. WOO HOO. Then Ezra and I are making Green Bean Spaghetti (green beans in place of noodles, yum), and we’re just going to relax and take the night as it comes.

I haven’t been tempted to drink these last few days. Yesterday I had this sorta twinge after the gym, because I’ve been having a drink with dinner after the gym these past few months (counter productive, I know…). But that’s just because it’s a routine, and even though routines are hard to break.. the feeling of “no silly, you don’t want to do that” was all it took and I was totally fine.

Not sure if its the L-Glutamine that I’m on, but I’ve been sleeping better, and focusing better. It’s only been a few days, but I’m a believer. Then again, I’ll give it a few months.

I’m not trying to give up food or alcohol for that matter. They will find places in my life. But at this time in my life I need to face reality and go through a phase of self discovery without substances altering my thoughts.

Sorry if anyone takes offense. It’s easy to take offense if you don’t believe in what someone is doing. Then again, I apologize but I’m not changing my ways for anyone. I know what I’m doing is right, and what I’m doing is for me.

Lost the Weight, Now I Must Discover Myself

When it comes to self discovery and a journey, it comes with time, patience, and slowing down a little bit in life. I’m not the type to cling on to a solution and follow it by the books. If I do that, I burn out in less than a few days. Change is scary, for anyone…

I’ve fought battles my entire life. I don’t think I’d know what role to play if I wasn’t trying to save someone or fight to get more. Truth be told, I’m one timid person, afraid of failing, afraid of falling. I’m shy at heart, but I try to “man up” and stand tall because I’m supposed to. It’s exhausting. But with practice, you’ll just become who you’re trying to be, right?

I bought 2 supplements yesterday at the health store. L-Glutamine which is supposed to rock for everything possible. And Kudzu Root, which is supposed to help with alcohol cravings. Not remove them, not solve them, but just curb them a bit. Every little bit helps, right? I’m also taking a vitamin B complex to help the kudzu stabilize in my system property. It’s been a TON of reading on forms to figure out what’s going to even me out. I don’t want doctor prescribed pills, I want natural.. the way nature made it.

My books will be here tomorrow. I’m so freakn excited, I wish I could section out a day and just read and read. I have 3 of them coming, but I get ADD on books and I’ll skim back and forth.

I want you all to know this is NOT AN ALCOHOL problem. It never has been. It’s a problem with me, and my emotions, and what I use to void out those emotions. It’s the same reason I became 300 pounds in the first place. It’s the same reason I use alcohol to become MIA for a while… and I just hate that most of you don’t and never will understand, and want to point a finger at 1 area and say “AH HA! I told you! You have a problem with alcohol!” Not quite sista. But whatever helps you sleep at night.

I’m a complex human being. Daily lives, stresses, relationships, family problems, money problems, problems with lack of interest, problems being sad for no reason, problems not understanding myself, problems trying to understand other people. I can go on for days and days. The 1 substance that I use to void out those problems doesn’t make the substance the problem. They don’t help the problems in my life by any means… but it’s not the rooted issues.

So I dunno, I’ll take this as it comes and try to heal as time passes. I thank those that support me, and those that don’t can really eff off. <– sorry, but I don't need preachers, I need ears, hugs, and friends.

Don’t Look Down. Ew. I Grew That Gut?

Lately I haven’t been so great. Let’s admit it; my gut is getting pretty grossly uncomfortable to look at. I achieved so much before, but once you fall off the wagon, it’s hard to get back on… I need to Velcro my wagons seat!

My friend Jayme tells me that she’s impressed that I lost 175 pounds to begin with.. and can’t imagine how someone can buckle down that hard and get the weight off in one fell swoop. But looking back, I don’t know how I did it either. Dieting was my LIFE. Dieting was almost a religion. I played by the books. I logged every calorie, I weighed out 2 ounces of turkey meat for my sandwiches, I was all about ME ME ME. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, dieting is one of the most selfish things you will ever do in your life. You can’t let people talk you down, or make you feel bad for not eating someones birthday cake, I swear… and people will make you feel so awkward about it that its ridiculous.

When I lost the bulk of my 175 pounds, I was living in a home where I would isolate myself from the world. I would wake up at 4:30am so that I could take the bus at 5:30am (a 2 hour commute), then I’d have my breakfast there, lunch there, ride the bus back at 5:00pm and not get home around 7:30pm. Get in the door, slap some sort of dinner together, and go to BED. Then I’d start the process all over again. I was in a relationship at the time, but he lived in Arizona and I was in California. Not too much time consumed with that one. I didn’t have any friends.. and my mom was with a guy I didn’t want to be near… so I’d lock myself away and just write poetry or sleep. Sleep was a big deal with the schedule that I had.

So fast forward my life, 175 pounds later and all of a sudden my health goes down the crap shoot. I should be happier, right? I was for a minute there… I stopped isolating myself so much and grew as a person 10 fold. I moved out of California to Arizona (yes, to be with the long distance relationship guy.. but that didn’t work out). I started taking up hobbies, like baking, and cake decorating. I surrounded myself with people that shared my interests. I started looking for friends, and I found Jayme. I allowed myself to be loved and now have a fiancé named Ezra. I started opening up to my mom more about my mental well being and started mending our relationship… and I don’t know where along the lines things went wrong, but I started seeking comfort in alcohol so I could just go away.

Happiness is scary. Having relationships is scary. Especially when you don’t quite know who you are. I grew up in chaos where day in and day out I was concerned about what was going on AROUND me, not WITH me. I never learned what makes me “tick” so to speak… I went through a 4 year period where I felt like a walking and talking zombie. People would interact with me, I’d interact back, but I wasn’t “there”.

So I’m looking into ways to help ME this time. And it might take being selfish again… I don’t want to isolate myself, but I need a minute.. Just some weekends to sleep in, or lay on the floor and read a book, an empty schedule instead of the GO GO GO runaround life I’ve put myself in lately. I have a lot on my plate.

I work from 8-5 Monday through Friday. I go to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday after work (where I get home around 730pm), Saturday and Sunday I do the gym thing again. Most Saturdays are consumed with being around my “Little Sister” (I’m a Big Sister with the Big Brother Big Sister organization in Central Phoenix). I just feel like my life is shot sometimes. And when I’m not GOING and GOING, I sit there not knowing what to do with myself.

I bought a few books on Amazon this past week and I cannot wait to get them. One is called When Misery is Company. It fits me perfectly after reading the description. I need to learn how to be content with life, and techniques on how to overcome just being so dang strung out and sad all the time. I think part of the reason I’m turning to alcohol is for its “security blanket” purpose. Plus it’s making me chunky which sends me in the background as a void.. which I’m more comfortable being than so exposed. I also bought a book on how to stop relying on alcohol. A lot of the book is on how to curb cravings and techniques on what to do when you crave wanting to drink. I’m really excited to see how that comes out. I’ve also been doing online research about curbing cravings for alcohol, and found 4 herbal supplements that I’m going to pick up at the vitamin shoppe today. I just can’t want to be alive, and to want to be around ME. I feel like I’m on the right path. I’m still scared shitless of this whole process.

Statistics Show Most Gain Back Their Weight Before 5 Years

Put on the breaks! Put on the breaks!!! I haven’t been on my blog in.. gee.. since July of last year? Talk about not a good sign.

I’ve been reading the book Half Assed by Jennette Fulda aka “Pasta Queen” (also a fellow blogger) and when she mentioned not updating your blog basically means you’re gaining weight. Online suicide if you will. And I’m guilty as charged Jennette! It’s embarrassing and I have let myself go a bit, but I’ve dusted off my wagon and I’m ready to get back on.

I dieted, lost 175 pounds in just around 15 months, maintained that loss for 2 years. 2 YEARS! And still wasn’t happy. Welp, a job loss later, and many days at home just being alone, I found myself drinking and eating crap. Let’s just say the scale is clocking me in at 150 these days. Mind you.. I WAS nearly 300lbs, so a 30 pound gain isn’t the end of the world, but if you calculate out the math… oh lets say 5 years, I’ll definitely be back where I started. What a depressing thought.

I’m trying to take a new approach to this whole weight loss thing. It’s been becoming a vicious cycle. In my past, I would eat to fill this “void” I had, and still have, inside me. While dieting, I never worked on filling that void, I just worked on becoming thinner and adjusting what I ate and how much I exercised. 2 years of maintenance, I’m discovering that void still exists and I’ve just changed the way I fulfill it. I’ve been drinking…. Drinking allows me to eat, and that void is temporarily filled. *sigh*

So here we go on a whole new journey. This one isn’t so much about counting calories and religiously weighing in on a weekly basis. This one is about self discovery and health, and mental wellness. And I want you all to know this is scarier than strictly dieting. I’m afraid to know what happiness feels like.

Is that mirror image of me really me? Finding truth under the skin.

Normally I eat like crap on the weekends causing my pants to feel a bit on the tight side come Monday morning. Last night I pushed myself down to the gym, did some crunches, and got on that elliptical. I found that the best way to pass the time on the elliptical is to read a book. Right now I’m reading Mercy by Jodi Picult. I just love her writing, because it captures me and the time flys by. “Just let me get to the end of this chapter! I must know what happens!” helps me stay on for an extra few minutes without feeling exhausted. But this week I have done 3 days of cardio, and 2 days of abs/weights. My stomach feels tighter (disregard the lose skin! I can still feel strength under it all), and my pants feel nice and where they should be.

When it comes Friday, it looks like I need a belt. I can pull my pants a good 4 inches from my body and slide my hands down them to touch my legs. My boyfriend tells me that it’s time I put my “weekend belt” on, because by sunday night my pants are snug again. It’s so strange how our bodies can bloat up so easily. Especially when we have loose bellies that have nothing left to do but hang or expand. This skin is HEAVY.

I’m hoping to get this website up and running soon here. Actually moving away from the simple blog, and learning how to make it a “real” blog/site. I want to add my recipes, my body lift surgery journey, my before and after photos, others success stories. I’ve been thinking about how to approach it. I don’t want people finding me by name or anything, but I want to be able to share  with you all.

I’m so tired of trying to hide who I am, but I can’t share it with many. Some of my best friends don’t even know that I was heavy in the first place, and I’m not happy about that. I’m afraid of their reactions. I’m afraid they’ll look at me like I’m broken, or in pain. Not many have gone through this. For example, yesterday I heard ladies at my work talking about calories and dieting and I wanted to jump right in and tell them good things to eat that are filling but darn tasty, and I wanted to talk about their favorite lean cuisine or 100 calorie snack. But instead I just smile and keep quiet… keep my secrets hidden.

But today I am proud of myself for not just doing cardio at the gym, but my abs too. I just love feeling my abs tug back when I sit up. That nice sore pain. And my legs burn just from going up the stairs because of the nice leg workout from the night before. I have structure inside me. I’m proud that when I look in the mirror and flex my arms, there’s only a little skin hanging because I’m becoming stronger. More tone and defined. The skin won’t completely go away, but at least I can work with what I have and be proud of myself more often. We all have to take time to love our bodies. It’s all we got, right?

Weight Loss Self Sabotage!

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost all this weight, but I revert back to my old eating habits just to hurt myself. Like I don’t deserve to feel this thin, and be this small. I get attention from guys, and waiters at restaurants no longer look down on me when I order something special.

Or maybe my old behaviors make me feel so comfortable and at home it’s hard for me to give them up completely. Especially when I’m stressed out from a long day, those inside hugs from a full belly seem to do the trick. When I lay on the carpet on my stomach, elbows up, eating a greasy meat and cheese quesadilla. Or when I sit on the couch with a big pint of ice cream and an open bag of potato chips next to me. There’s something so free and refreshing about how I used to live.

I dunno, that thought just crossed my mind

Economy and Tummy Tucks Don’t go Hand in Hand.

How bad does the economy suck right now? I want to get my surgery so so so bad, and I have just about $5,500 dollar saved up (enough for a tummy tuck!), but I can’t take time off of work. Not with the way layoffs have been around here. But I’m so tired of carrying around this heavy gut.

Sometimes you just want to give up. Gawd I know I do. The only way  I can maintain my 175 pound weight loss (it’s still SO weird to look back and know I was 175 pounds heavier!) I have to keep counting calories and keeping a close watch on my daily diet. The week days are flawless. I can handle the week days. It’s the weekend’s where I want to enjoy food. Is that so bad? To be human and want to enjoy food? But when I am set free to eat whatever I want, I take it so far as to where I need to work out 5 days a week just to get the bloat off.

This weekend it was criss cut fries with ranch dressing from Carles Jr. Oh how I’ve missed thee. I also enjoyed 3 home made brownies, a nice amount of applesauce raisin cookies, and ice cream, cereal, you name it… I ate it. With all the stress I’ve had I can’t help it. I just want to EAT (and drink)  until I’m about to pop. Then I want to lay down and cry until tomorrow.

I just don’t wanna care right now. And it makes me think about this damn tummy tuck so much. Every pound I gain goes RIGHT there. Staring at me. Making my belly button look like a fat frown. Making my gut feel heavy to carry around. Then I get down and out of it. But I know the bloat will go, and by this coming Friday I’ll be ready to do it again.

The cycle just continues from here huh?

So now cheers to a fresh Monday morning, oatmeal for breakfast, apple and chicken breast sandwich for lunch, gym at 2 for a great cardio workout, have me a snack, and tacos for dinner.

Plastic Surgery and Financial Priorities

I was having one of those days yesterday where I wanted to rip off every piece of excess skin and throw it against the wall. A tissy fit if you will. I am 25 years old with a saggy body that I feel consumes a piece of who I am.

I’ve lost 175 pounds, and they say -Oh if you lose weight too fast you’ll have lose skin-. People blame the time that I took to lose the weight to my excess skin. And by people, I mean friends, family, people in online communities that don’t want to believe they might need a full body lift someday too. You don’t lose 175 freaking pounds and turn up flawless. Maybe if you’re a 15 or 16 year old, but I was obese since the age of 10. Skin being weighed down for 13 years of my life does not equal skin elasticy snap back.

I want my tummy tuck. GOD do I want it SO SO SO bad. I want my breast lift. I’ll do without the implants if I have to, but just get these boobs up where they belong. My bat wing arms, my sagging inner thighs, my saggy booty, all of that can wait if it has to. But I want it all done, and soon.

I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for 15 months. We live together in an apartment, and I’m trying to save what I can for this surgery. He want’s a house. He want’s me to get my surgery too, but with the economy in the slumps a house is a much more wise purchase.

So that leaves the question: A downpayment on a house or a boob lift/tummy tuck.

Each will cost around 15K I’m assuming. I told the boyfriend we should do the house thing first, but as I sit here now, I don’t know. I’ll regret not taking advantage of the low interest loans in this market with both the surgery and the house.

I have to weigh my pros and cons.

The Surgery

1. Surgery will be 15K out of pocket, paid. That includes tummy tuck and breast lift. I have 5K in savings that I can put towards that. I don’t think I can make payments on a 10K loan for an extended period of time. I gotta keep saving. However, I can get a Capital One personal loan at around 5% interest with the economy the way it is. Most plastic surgery loans are around 9.99%.

2. My skin is not HURTING me physically. I don’t have any infections, I’m healthy. But theres this dier need for me to get the skin tucked where it needs to go. It disgusts me. Sorry to be so blunt, but when I bend over and my skin sags down and touches the table, I want to just lay down and die. I’ve been living with it for 15 months already.

3. My work situation probably wouldn’t let me take a month leave to get the surgery done. I might be able to arrange a work at home system, but I’d have to figure it out. Maybe I can line up some contracting jobs on the side?

The house:

1. This economy is going to get us an interest rate at around 5% on a 200K loan. The savings in the long run will be HUGE compared to the savings for my surgery.

2. We are fine and dandy saving and living in a nice apartment. I’m not married to him, but I know we will do that someday soon. Weddings are expensive!

So it’s tough. I can focus on the house within the next year (and hope the economy stays crap), and continue to save for my body lift that I can pay in a lump sum out of pocket (ideal), but I want my oompa loompa and I want my oompa loompa NOW!

Anyone else out there having a financial debate about this surgery? I really wish my life ran smoother. I want to jump off the deep end.

I’ll have to get a third consultation soon anyway. I haven’t found the right doc.